20 y/o me would have ditched him long time back --

 

come save me - zero one two nine one four seven zero nine two

 i honestly don't know what am i doing with my life without purpose...

i imagine my life would be a thousand times better if i had been with you.. i imagine you shower me with all the love and care in the world.. i imagine i could tell anything and everything to you.. i imagine you see me and smile to me with affection each and every time.. i imagine you hug me and hold me tight, make me feel safe in your arms.. i imagine you will never betray me and never look away.. i imagine you always listen to me and pay attention on every small things.. i imagine we share a happy peaceful life together and forever.. but i can only imagine.

always been

if you ever call me to come see you, i will drop everything and go to you - no question asked. it's you, it's always been you.

dear H.

would you answer my call? would you reply my text? i just wanna talk -

remember when?

remember our very first date in sunway when we took pics at the photobooth and then you hugged me? remember when you posted me the pink ring and necklace? remember when we spent the evening in klebang? remember when you got me that avril lavigne tix? remember when you gave me the rose bouquet for my birthday? remember when you waited outside my house from midnight till morning, rang me thousand times, just for me to say no? remember when you sent me iphone to my parents house? remember when you were on your knees and begged me to stay? remember when i emailed you to say sorry? and remember when i texted you after so long - just for you to break me into pieces?

IS THAT ALL THERE IS?

it was the same damn thing, same ass excuses, boy you're useless

z

hey z. i wish you met me before her. i wish i met you before him too. so yeah...

gtfo and disappear

i wish i could just gtfo and disappear from this life. like what am i even doing here? what is the fucking point of this whole fucking thing? i don't understand. in fact i don't give a damn anymore. i just wanna go ahead and get gone. done. finished. KHALAS.

fml

tak boleh ke kau hadap je masalah bodoh kau tu sendiri tak payah nak dump dkt aku? kesah plak aku? masalah aku takde plak aku nak meluah dkt kau. kau buat je la apa yg kau rasa patut buat pastu dah. tak payah lebih2 nak cakap itu ini, tiap kali pun duk ulang2 benda bodoh yg same. the fuck i care? kau serabut dgn hidup kau pastu kau nak serabutkan kepala org lain. bila cakap sikit, tuduh aku tak faham pastu kau revert blk benda2 like im the one to blame. eh babi la. kau nak apa sebenarnya setan? mampos je la sana senang. sial la hidup camni nak kena hadap org mcm kau sampai mati. fuck my life.

thank you for 8 years of hell

resentment

i wish you never sent me that stupid text. i wish i never met him and left you. you were my first love - the moment we met when we were 16.. it was you. it was always you. we were meant to be. we were supposed to be. right until the moment you fucked it up. and then i met him. long story short - now i have to live a life full of betrayal.. and resentment. with no way out. it was all because of you. 

LOML - loss of my life

i feel like im wasting my life away being his wife. everyday goes on like it means nothing, i look forward to nothing. whatever i want, whatever i need, i get it myself. might as well be single. oh god pls lemme have a boyfriend. im so fed up with everything and anything. someone, somebody pls come save me and just take me away, pretty pls.

'cause fuck it i was in love - so fuck you if i can't have us.

vigilante shit

so i started talking to someone - a guy. not in romantic kinda way, but more like a friend. a thoughtful one. about the daily struggle with our special son, he has one too. it makes me feel better, like a hell lot better. like i'm not alone. like somewhere somehow someone is suffering too, just like me. so i don't need to talk to you anymore. you don't have to say i "complained" too much anymore - when all i ever wanted is someone to talk to. you don't have to gaslight me that i'm not a good mother. you don't have to convince me that i'm useless. i know i'm not any of that - i just don't have to listen to you. have you ever done something just because you hate someone so much? like you just do what they want because then - you don't have to deal with them anymore. well, suck it. cos in the end - you just gotta do what you gotta do. you and your stupid ridiculous brain cells can go eat shit and die for all i care. 

what a shame she's fucked in the head - they said.

how do you stay with someone who doesn't give a fuck? well, starting from this moment, i won't bother telling you things. you won't hear shit from me. you won't know shit about me. no complaining, no nothing. i'll go on with my life as i pleased, i don't need you. i don't need your stupid opinion, i don't wanna know your thoughts, i don't wanna listen what you have to say. i stopped loving, i stopped caring, i honestly already gave up on you - long time back. whatever you got from me, just know it's all pretend. i'm pretending the fuck outta my life. heck, i won't even argue any of your ridiculous shit. you do you. to each their own. 

for the hope of it all

i am so alone i often have this imaginary boyfriend in my head. whenever everything sux in this real world - which basically all the time - i'll have my beloved boyfriend takes me to all the nice places. it was good, kept me going - at least. kinda pathetic tho but it's okay. it's just all in my head. nobody has to know. he's all mine to indulge... mine. the rest of the world might just fuck off, idgaf.

just between us - i remember it all too well

i want to go back to the night we hugged and whispered quietly and everything just feels right. how you kissed me in the middle of saying something.. when you knew i was thinking just because i blinked.. where are you? are you still there?

7 things

1. i hate you with all my heart

2. i wish i never knew you

3. if i could turn back time, i won’t even look at your way

4. i regret every path i took that led me to you

5. everyday in this life i feel stucked

6. i want to drop everything and just leave

7. maybe one day i will

hope it's nice where you are.

hi. it was your birthday yesterday. i miss you. you are and always been my love. since i was 20, since you kissed me that night. like if you call me today, right now, right at this moment - i would just drop everything and go to you. nothing else matters. i don't know if it's you or the idea of you. but when i was with you, i'm at peace. things just flow, i don't have to think, i don't have to force anything. i remember our last meet up. during your final days in malacca, in front of your hostel. our last kiss. as years go by, we talked a few times. and the last time was when you got married and didn't even bother to tell me. i wish you the best and that's it - done and dusted. like everything means nothing. i'm still lost, you know. i still don't find my way. but i hope it's nice where you are.