(^ - ^)

for the record, i feel -- inexplicably nice. but i got something bigger to focus on && we're gonna sort this thing out later. meanwhile, let it be that way ; so nice like a cup of hot tea in a cold day.

cinta gula hati.

i know it doesn't seem so fair, i'll send you a postcard when i get there :DD

cerita rekaan :))

8 pm : he came, like always. we talked, we laughed. everything was good. tiba-tiba, awak sibuk kan minggu depan? kita tak payah jumpa lah. saya macam ada banyak hal nak buat. i was confused, so i'm like -- okay. takpe awak tak payah datang, sampai saya beritahu bila. sebab saya pun banyak benda juga. he's like -- baiklah, see you then. dan tak tahu kenapa, terasa sangat down.

9 pm : i'm so sorry. why? there's no need to. no, it's not like i don't want to see you, i just thought that you'll be busy enough you got no time to see me. alright, whatever.

10 pm : he called. i picked up, and then there was this song. i thought dia silap tekan so i hang up. he called, again, that song. dengar je lah. tiba-tiba, kenapa awak letak tadi? saya tengah pujuk awak lah, saya ingat awak merajuk. dan tak tahu kenapa, terasa sungguh bunga bintang.

11 pm : i was damn bored. i miss you. tiba-tiba, hey buat apa tu? he was there, showed up at my door. kenapa awak dekat sini? entah, saya tak sedap hati rasa bersalah tadi. comel.

12 pm : lapar. awak, masak lah untuk saya. nak makan apa? sardin ada tak? takde, dah habis. jom lah makan maggi. eyh awak tahu tak, ada maggi yang takde gravy. saya makan dekat rumah kawan tadi, sedap tau. i'm like -- LMAO dalam hati tapi layankan je. ohh ye ke? maggi apa tu? i don't know, indo mee or something. OMG wujud lagi ke manusia umur 21 tahun yang tak tahu kewujudan maggi goreng. cute sangat-sangat kan?


" HARUS KU TERUSKAN HIDUP, WALAUPUN PERIT TANPAMU. TETAP KU PELUK ERAT MEMORI KAU DAN AKU. KU DOAKAN AGAR KAU SENTIASA BAHAGIA DI SANA. "

JANGAN BACA.

urghh, penat mcm gila-gila sgt. mcm nk mati. ke mmg dh mati, x ke. i'm crazy -- i think i am. eyh, org gila bleh pk ke? i must be org gila yg genius lah kn klau cmtu. ye x? then, jgn ar mati dulu weh. genius kot. sia-sia je nnt. oii apa benda ni, gila lah kau. mmg lah aku gila, brape kali kot nk ckp. x phm-phm, kata genius. hey gila, sbb tu lah kau bodoh. apa bodoh plak, gila ke. dah-dah, pergi lah mati sana. bising je.

hmm.

girl : idiot. why did i do that? why did i act like that? when he sat down next to me, it was so clear we weren't each other's style that it wasn't even weird. and since there was no vibe, we're just start talking, without thinking anything. and then -- i don't know what happened.

boy : it's a bad idea with this girl. i'm not in a good space for this. yes, she was beautiful. yes, she had a great body, and she's smart. god, that was sexy. it was beyond sexy. what is wrong with me? why am i so fucking nervous? this is ridiculous. shit! i need a cigarette.

girl : i finally shut the fuck up. i hardly said a word the rest of the night after that. it was good, but there's nowhere for it to go. but it took another turn. something happened. i don't know what zone that was, but both of us played into it. it's good, we're gonna do this ; have a couple of drinks and get straight. let him know i know what this was -- nothing.

DAMN, THIS ONE IS AWESOME !!

don't take it personally, not everybody is compatible.

it feels good bila hidup dah tak perlu nak berpura-pura. kalau tak suka, cakap je. kebebasan bersuara ;p abaikan dan tak payah nak berhadapan ke apa. takde sebab, dah memang tak suka nak kata apa. dah dari dulu memang bukan kawan kot.

[ note to : si keding perasan & si self-absorbed ]

excuse me, dua-dua tu bukan my friends yea. jadi sila jangan libatkan saya dengan apa-apa tentang mereka atau masukkan mereka dalam apa-apa benda pasal saya. saya tak suka. sekian.

WHAT-A-THOUGHT

love slalu buat org jd mcm bodoh, literally. as in mcm x bleh pk. klau dh suka, sume x kira apa dia buat, cara dia behave, cmne dia dress-up, pape je lah, sume nmpk besh. klau dulu x suka org smoke, x prnh pk pn nk org yg tonggang, kaki club ke apa, tp sbb dh tersuka sume tu mcm eyh xpe kot. dulu pndg yg fit & tough je baru nk kata hot, but if dia mcm alaa buncet sket pn x kesah. x pedulik pn sbb dia bleh pegi gym apa kasi mantap. nk yg mata cantek, senyum lawa. tp sbb dh suka kn, pndg dia yg sbnrnya sgt2 biasa pn dh ye2 bunga bintang, ohh he's so beautiful :DD pstu bila dia ego, main trima je sbb konon mcm dia buat tu benda btul. cuba klau org len duk cmtu, sah2 dh kena sepak dkt muka. dia x layan branded stuffs, kdg2 anti-social, family pn biasa2 je kot, tp tetap rasa mcm dia lah yg plg cool antara sume2. bagi org len dia normal je xde pape lgsg, utk kita dia lah yang terindah, sungguh unik gitu. debar2 jd speechless bila tgk dia, sggup buat pape pn demi dia, asal dia hepi kita kurg hepi sket pn xpe. bodoh kn, x ke. saje je free2 kasi excuses utk dia, dan beri alasan utk diri sndri to accept almost everything psl dia. lg lah gila klau hati jenis degil x phm2, org tu dh sakitkn kita, buat kita mcm sampah, still x bleh nk get over. mcm bodoh sgt2 kn. YA AMPUN sudah2 laa tu puja org yg xde makna, buang masa je.

the insignificant.

dunia mmg kejam, trust me. girls -- xde org akn pndg klau kau fat & ugly. guys -- xde org akn pndg klau kau stupid & poor. i've been there. tahu x cmne sakit nya rasa bila jd sgt kecik, sgt invisible, sgt mcm xde nilai lgsg di mata org? so i changed. bila dh up, baru org take notice. bkn mcm, mime. sape tu? tp mcm, mime. ohh dia, i knew her. atau better, yeah yeah my friend is her friend's ex-boyfriend. smpai mcm org yg xde kaitan lgsg pn sungguh teruja nk mengaku knal kita. cliche lah org ckp yg pnting dlmn, bkn luaran. haa klau cmtu cuba jln tgh2 org x pakai baju tgk? nk nk org kata kau gila, ye x. msti lah penampilan tu pnting. sape je terasa nk amik tahu psl kau, klau kau mmg sgt mcm x menarik lgsg utk di amik tahu? bila gemuk, hodoh, miskin plak tu, xde kwn, x ke sedih? sbb tu kena berubah. at least ada kwn sorg pn jd lah. kurg2 bleh ar jgk tunjuk dkt org, weh aku xde ar loser sgt. bila dh sorg2, gelak sorg2, nanges sorg2, mkn sorg2, duduk sorg2, cmne x rasa nk bunuh diri je kot. smtimes mksd kwn tu pn subjektif. ada yg mengata blkg, tp dkt dpn bkn main kwn yg begitu akrab. ada org takat senyum je bila jumpa, prnh ckp pn 2 3 patah, tp ngaku dkt org len diorg tu kwn jgk. ada yg obses dgn each other, buat benda sume pakat together, yg tu klau kata bkn kwn mmg aneh lah. btul ke org bnyk kwn tu ada life, yg xde kwn tu xde life? ntah tp yg pasti, sume org x mau duduk sorg2 xde kwn. rasa sgt pathetic dan membencikan. org tgk pn pndg kesian je. nk x nk, kena jgk jd cantek. kena jgk jd apa yg org kata fake. sbb mmg sume org pn fake kot. kena lah adapt baru bleh survive. mmg susah kn org nk trima kita, kita nk trima org. sbb tu dh kata td, world is cruel.

seriously. i'm done thinking, fighting, hoping, and crying for you. dah dah, pergi jauh-jauh dah. malas boleh tak nak tengok you lagi, muka you tu. sungguh merimaskan faham tak.

I TRIED SO HARD AND GOT SO FAR, BUT IN THE END IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. I HAD TO FALL TO LOSE IT ALL, BUT IN THE END IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

don't play cheap with your ♥ ♥ ♥

if you want me,
then stop begging
i don’t put out for charity
‘cause some don’t have the patience
some call me high maintenance
buy you pay the bill
‘cause that’s the deal.

don’t make a bet
if you can’t write the check for me,
‘cause i can be bought
but you’ll pay the cost
if you can afford me.

BODY LAWA, MUKA LAWA, RAMBUT LAWA, KAKI LAWA - KALAU CAMNI NAK BERLAGAK TAKPE LAH JUGAK YE TAK?

such-a-jerk-wanna-be

hey bilya, bill, billy, or whatever crap they called you. kau ni memang dasar cheapskate lah. aku elok-elok dah layan kau in spite of everything yang jadi. kau memang saje carik pasal kan. dah laa hot suam-suam kuku je, bawak pun kereta saga je, umur maseh belasan baya adik aku, nak perasan up pulak kan. ye-ye tunggu swift yang abah kau konon nak kasi as hadiah spm tu, yeww immatured betul lah kau ni. ex aku nak angkat fairlady duet sendiri pun aku tinggalkan je dia. please lah, former mckk tu macam dah hot sangat ke. takat masuk kbu under jpa nak pegi aussie tu dah macho sangat ke. tak fly lagi kot, dah gebang sana sini kan. dan-dan macam besh sangat je kan tempat kau dekat damansara tu. come on, i've seen so much better. baru kenal berapa hari, dah relax je cakap ' i love you ' sume kan. macam aku nak percaya je. memang tak lah. dah agak dah pastu kau kata tak boleh nak tunggu pulak kan. sukati ah, berangan aku ada harap kau tunggu ke. tak lapar laa. aku layan berapa banyak lagi selain kau. tak hadap pun. ujung-ujung aku dah maafkan kau, sekarang kau nak berlagak macam bagus sangat tu kenapa. kau saje nak playing with fire kan. mentang-mentang aku dah selalu kena treated unfair macam tu, kau boleh anggap as if aku ni takde perasaan langsung ke. kau ni memang tak besar lagi lah. tak payah gaya nak macam cool sangat dekat fb tu, duk layan strangers macam orang life-less je kau ni. lelaki kan, kalau tak hot selalu nak budget hot. yang hot diam-diam je. tapi yang tengah-tengah ni yang selalu over. murahan gila tahap gaban, blah ar weh. ada aku kesah. kau tu taraf spare-part pun tak layak. scandal lagi lah tak. eyh eyh, aku taknak dekat kau lah loser. daa.

i know in time that people change
i was foolish to think we'd stay the same
but i don't wanna lose my best friend
tell me if this is love,
or am i just too comfortable?

FACE DOWN

DO YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN WHEN YOU PUSHED HER AROUND?
DO YOU FEEL BETTER NOW -- SHE FALLS TO THE GROUND?

get the fuck off.

CHICKEN texted me :

" hey, ur uni's break juz started rite. nyway, juz wanted 2 say all d best n dat u can do it. gud luck again. tc "

ohh, ayam pun reti msg yea? sorry lah i x reply dekat ayam. GTFO.

HEY GILA. SUMPAH I FEEL LIKE KILLING YOU RIGHT NOW. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. AKU BENCI KAU LAH FUCKER. PERGI MAMPUS SEKARANG WEH KALAU TAKNAK AKU BUNUH KAU. EITHER WAY, YOU'RE SO DEAD.

dumb-shit(s) :

dec 2008 sebab tersuka dekat si idiot tu. most of all, that fucking 25th. bodoh sangat. taknak ingat pun apa jadi. rasa macam nak mati je sebab terlalu bodoh. twice, memang bodoh sangat lah.

early feb 2009 sebab bodoh jugak. this one was bloody hell, bodoh tahap tak boleh nilai dengan apa-apa dah. taknak ingat jugak, sebab macam sakit hati sangat rasa.

between mac 2009 up until aug 2009, i'm lost.

mid-aug 2009. oops, wait. a lil bit earlier. during fasting month. something teribble, but somehow i don't feel nothing. revenge is sweet, i bet?

end of aug 09. lagi sekali lost. failed. broke-up. met a lot of newbie. but mostly also sungguh jerk. menyesal tak blah dari si idiot tu awal-awal, could have been better. dan menyesal accept si moron tu plak after that, useless. and there's this one more fella, yang ni paling bodoh. bila ingat rasa nak bunuh semua orang. terlalu bodoh.

nov 2009. ini maseh rasa kesan dia sampai sekarang. gila fucked-up lah. i dumped someone sebab you, and you boleh selamba gila macam babi tinggal i after 3 weeks kan? FUCK YOU. wait a min. after 1st week itself you kata nak pergi, but tetiba you datang balik minta maaf. i kasi you chance, but after all you pergi jugak. nice. you nasib baik je i tak sepak kepala you betul-betul masa you suruh i punch you tu kan? you memang bodoh. ke i yang bodoh, entah lah.

jan 2010. bf-less, life-less. how come you boleh nampak seronok, gembira dan bahagia yea? urgh can't stand it, i feel so stupid. and ugly.


p/s : lelaki semua nya bermasalah dan bawak masalah. let's kill them all, and become LESBO. besh kot?

i'm half alive, but i feel mostly dead. i try and tell myself it'll be all right.

LIKE IT OR LEAVE IT ?

i'm worth all the crap i'm putting you trough. i'll be blunt, the honest truth is -- you decide. don't waste my time.

i don't like answering the phone. jangan tanya kenapa, thanks.

enough said !

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH, SON OF BITCH. YOUR MOM IS A BITCH, YOUR SISTERS ARE BITCHES, YOU'RE GONNA MARRY THE MOST RETARDED BITCH, AND YOU'LL HAVE UGLY BABIES.
CUKUP DAH, NAK LAGI?

i could go back to every laugh, but i don't wanna go there anymore. i know all the steps up to your door, but i don't wanna go there anymore.

everything that we could be.

" and i just wanna show you, she don't even know you. she's never gonna love you, like i want to. and you just see right through me, if you only knew me. we could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable ; instead of just invisible. "

IN FOR THE KILL !

kenapa bila nak mintak tolong je, baru datang carik? dasar manusia takde value. benci ah. macam meluat gila kot. tak ke.

H.E.L.P

today is monday. another boring day. a busy one anyway. i think life is eating my soul piece by piece, each time i breathe. what a dork, huh? i need help.

i like it rough.

dunia ni kecik sebenarnya. pusing-pusing mesti jumpa balik punya, semua orang macam connected. kalau tak percaya, rasa sendiri nanti. it's freaky but kinda fun though :] hush hush, i need to focus!

" i missed you ! "

aww man, seriously? bullshit lah you, don't you dare lah douche-bag. don't ever pull that with me. what's the point of missing me when you dah ada new girl, tak ke? pagi-pagi subuh hantar text msg "i missed you!" apa ke sengal nya? salah eja pulak tu, you missed me? you terlepas i apa? macam stupid gila je, tak pasal-pasal buat orang sentap kan. dah ar sungguh annoying jadi bf dulu pun takat nak call 2 3 minit satu hari pun tak mampu. macam miskin sangat gamak nya. nak break-up pun main guna sms je kan, bapak loser lah weh. tolong lah, i bukan nya batak sangat dengan you punya call pun anyway. i ada kawan yang tiap-tiap hari call kot, padahal kawan je. itu pun semangat betul dia care for me sampai kadang-kadang i ignore je kalau takde mood nak layan. ini you, rabak habis. aneh betul nak kata busy, hek eleh you kerja apa je pun kot. diploma pun takde. tapi takpe lah, i takde ah kejam sangat until nak kata you ni useless ke apa. cuma nya, sebab ada you jugak lah i dapat get over si owner blog cacat tu dengan laju nya. ( damn geli dowh bila ingat, puke puke! ) so i hargai jugak lah you ada dulu. and you banyak tolong i. and you hormat my parents, jadi a plus ploint di situ. tapi apa-apa pun, please lah tak payah mengada carik i lagi boleh tak? i dah bosan ar dengan you. sumpah i bosan. tak ke pelik kenapa my ex-bf(s) semua pun pakat jerk macam gila-gila sangat yea? duhh, celah mana nak jumpa the real gentleman ni?

PEACE :D

but you should start thinking about the future, because no matter what -- it's coming. and it's either gonna make you less afraid or more, and you will know that you either did everything that you can ; or you will be sorry. *OUCHH*

EVERYTHING IS COOL AS LONG AS I'M GETTING THINNER.

petua kurus kononnya :

- makan oat banyak-banyak.
- minum tea banyak-banyak.

mesti lah hot baru dapat lelaki kacak & kaya, kan kan? i.e :


encik baby sayang. aku punya, dah kau jangan nak sibuk-sibuk.

shhh.

" jangan dekat, atau jangan datang kepadaku lagi. aku semakin terseksa kerna tak memiliki dirimu. "


dear heart, please. please please please. be strong okay? look. it's over. he's over you. hey, he left. remember?
so let it be that way. don't ever look back. just don't.

tell me how?

kamu. yang berkemeja putih tadi, kenapa hot sangat yea? camni susah lah kalau nak suruh saya tak ingat dekat kamu. apa nak buat ni? saya rindu. camne ni, camne. camne lagi cuba cakap?

(you. i tipu je, i tak marah you tak. meh balik dekat i mehh)

" and i scream out the window, i can't even look at you. i don't need you. but i do, i do, i do. "

HEY MISTER !

HELL PUNYA LAH SANGAT SUSAH NAK GET OVER YOU. IF ONLY I TAHU SAMPAI BOLEH SAYANG YOU MACAM NI, SUMPAH I TAKKAN KELUAR BILIK LAH MALAM 6TH NOVEMBER HARI TU. I TAK INGIN LANGSUNG PUN NAK HANGOUT DENGAN YOU KOT. MANA LAH I TAHU YOU ADA DEKAT SITU MASA TU. I MANA TAHU YOU AKAN TEMAN I, LAYAN I MACAM TU. YOU MEMANG BUAT I GILA TAHU TAK. YOU NI JAHAT TAHU TAK BUAT I MACAM NI. I BENCI YOU LAH. EII ESOK KALAU I NAMPAK YOU, I NAK SEPAK-SEPAK PASTU TUMBUK MUKA YOU KUAT-KUAT. SI JAHAT, I NAK PEGI BAKAR APARTMENT YOU. KASI BUANG SEMUA YOU PUNYA JERSI, BAJU HIJAU YOU TU KE, KEMEJA MAROON, DENGAN BEG YOU KALER BIRU, PIJAK SPEC YOU, PAPE LAH THEN I NAK HEMPAS LAPTOP YOU.

you you, yes you.

" sepi, sepi ku rasa hatiku. saat ini oh, sayangku. jika kau di sini, aku tenang. "


sekarang bila nak cakap pasal you pun rasa macam dah tak releven dah, haih. tapi i rindu you. i betul rindu you ni. rindu sangat-sangat lah. rasa macam, hmm. rasa macam.
URGHH i want you. BADLY.

kesayangan <33

kalau begini lah, tak kawen dengan lelaki pun takpe. HAHAA.

yuppp, chickened out is the best thing you can do.

you obviously ignored me kan malam tadi? you don't even dare to look me, left alone to speak. and why was that? were you feeling guilty? tell me, if betul your decision yang you buat tu adalah the right one then kenapa mesti rasa bersalah? does it even felt right? apa yang you rasa sebenarnya sekarang? happy, tenang? i bet you're not, don't you?

shoulda put something on.

you got me so damn angry. you're selfish and ruthless, so useless. excuses mean nothing to me. who do you think you are? i ain't getting rid of shit. get outta my face!

tricky tricks :D

kpd guys yg terasa nk come close & get to know, baca ni elok-elok. 1st, jgn asek duk nk tnya benda yg same bnyk-bnyk kali. mnyampah bleh? 2nd, jgn nk trhegeh-hegeh. i plg x suka tunggu org, tunggu benda. i mmg jenis x sabar, nk kata apa lg ye x. 3rd, jgn x tentu psl komen psl my appearance. i nk pakai apa ke, i x nk pakai apa ke, you pedulik apa? 4th, jgn sukati cal i x tentu wktu. i plg benci org kacau masa i tido. nasib ah klau u x tau, mmg jd bahan swear ar sat lg. nnt kang kepala i trus pening, nk mngamuk dan baling phone tu dkt muka you. plus, i x suka bunyi phone mcm gila x henti-henti. apa kata klau skali or twice you cal tu dh cukup? klau i x pick up tu mksdnya ada hal lah tu, x pn i x koser and malas nk layan, x pn i mmg x perasan. understood lah kn. x perlu ar mcm org bangang nk cal smpai juta-juta kali, i x pekak lg. 5th, klau skali i carik you tu mmg i tgh ada mood nk layan you lah tu. jgn plak you yg xde, sbb nya i mmg klau once dh ilang mood mknanya you pnya chance tu trus ikut hilang skali lah kn. justeru, bye-bye.

" rest your head and go to sleep. maybe one day we'll wake up, and this will all just be a dream. "

twenty-ten

kepala pusing dari malam tadi, tak tahu apehal. ni yang buat rosak mood ni. tidur pulak dan-dan nak mimpi pelik je kan.