because a lifetime is too long.

i don't know how long can i survive this but i know it won't be forever. i wish i could just pack up my things and go, but i can't. i wish there's someone who would just come and save me from this misery, but nobody came. i'm just so lonely and tired. i go about my life as usual, said i'm fine - but it wasn't true. carrying another person inside of me is so exhausting, considering i'm already depressed with the current two. especially when it's his. what part of me don't love him anymore that he doesn't understand? i don't love you, i don't love you, i don't love you. fucking let me go please. shitty life. i hate everything. 

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew.

I hope nobody read this blog - cos I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say and there won't be any filter. Come to think of it, I'm the one who supposed to cheat. I never get what I want. I'm always lonely. He doesn't care anything about me. No gifts during birthdays or anniversaries, not even kind wishes. No holidays, no lovey-dovey. He knows nothing about me. He doesn't know my friends, places I love to go, foods I like to eat, brands I love to buy, songs I like to hear, movies I like to watch, my favorite things to do, or any sorts of anything about me. I don't even share stuffs to him cos he doesn't get it. In fact, most of the time he wasn't interested. He wasn't invested. I don't matter. He doesn't listen, he doesn't hear me. He doesn't even see me. It was like I'm nothing. It's empty. Hopeless. 

I met L at work. He listens and he cares. But the thing is, he's taken. If only he was single, I think I already gone with him. I stop myself from going too close, and trust me it's so difficult - took the whole of me. I wanted someone like him for so long I can remember. The only thing is that, he wasn't mine to take. I know my place, so I back off. Sometimes, I dreamt bout him. It feels so wrong tho. He smells so good, and his smile is the sweetest. I still got butterflies everytime I see him or even say his name, but I guess that was it. Till then, I'm just stuck with myself and my loneliness - until the day I die. What a sad life, right?

MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR AND WE CAN STAY

3 months have passed, but I still cannot get over his betrayal. This wasn't the first time, and somehow I'm know it's not gonna be the last. I'm so frustrated, devastated, disappointed, but most of all, I feel numb. I don't deserved this. Why. I don't understand. I'm lost. I gave up. Can you come and make it all disappear?

I MISS YOU H.

Hello. So basically - fast forward to 2023, almost 13 years since my last post. I feel the need to write here since there's nowhere else.. When I first started this blog, I was young, truly and madly in love with S. He was long gone - along with few others, but the feeling still persist. My dream of having one true love was never came true. I'm still stucked in this same old tired, lonely place.

The closest I felt like he's the one was H. He did everything right up until he messed it up. Then along came R. I fucked up, chose R over H - only to settle down and got betrayed multiple times. I guess that's my karma. I thought by choosing a somewhat mediocre thing, life would end up normal. I was wrong. Now there's no turning back, no one to turn to. I AM ALL ALONE AND LONELY, SO YEAH.