STOP - YOU'RE LOSING ME.

started 2023 with not much hope. betrayal on my birthday week 2022 when he contacted that ugly bitch from that old place. that was when i found they went out when i was in labor for my 2nd born. how evil. then i just went on with my life. full of emptiness. things were okay cos there was nothing to expect. btwn money issues, work and kids, i don't have much time to reminisce things. then july happened. i never expected the 3rd. it was hard, while struggling to accept the fact - august happened. bullshit. so much bullshit. total lost of everything. dunno how am i still alive and living until today - and here comes 2024. again, theres nothing to hope for too. just moving along, that's all. bye now.

bad thingsss

ohmygosh he smells soooo damn good i can't think straight. it's suffocating. please don't come closer. i can't. it's 2009 all over again. okay i'm insane - but you're the same. go away.

shit life.

so sad. so bored. so lonely. no one cares. no one to talk to. so broke. cant buy anything. cant even sell anything. nobody is buying. so many things to pay. everything overdue. but no money. tummy so huge. so uncomfortable. cant even lie down and sleep properly. washing machine not working. house looks like shit. didnt see my family for so long. job too tiring. bestie so far away. cant go anywhere. everything sux.

somebody come save me and take my PROBLEMS away please. i cant do this anymore.

wildest dream

if i ever gonna have a new man in my life again ; the guy must be someone who is million times better than him - thoughtful. caring. listen. pays attention. smells good. clean. sweet smile. talk to me. laugh with me.  unconditional love. happy. peaceful. 

no cheating.

no emptiness. 

no loneliness.

no disappointment.

it's just us - one another.

well, dream on girl.

i think about jumping off of a very tall something - just to see you come running..

how do you get over the betrayal? you don't. it's just there, staring at you. from that very corner. the disrespect. the audacity. shameful. disgusted. trust me - every bones in my body wanted to leave. wanted to go. just be fucking disappear. and gone.

you weren't mine to lose.

so he said he started it. we talked bout it for the longest time when i found out. but no matter how much he explained, i just can't wrapped my head around it. like what did he saw in her? she's like the most typical human specimen you can find. ugly face, ugly attire, with an overall ugly personality to conclude. like literally no attraction at all. yet, he attracted to her? kissed in the car after work, planned to check-in at a trashy hotel room. said i love you, i miss you, and bullshit things like that - while i was there, unfulfilled, all alone and empty. like what was he thinking? i don't understand. you don't wanna let me go. and it's not like you wanna keep me either. what do you want? hurting me like this - why?

by then - it would be too late.

i wonder what they have done in their life which deserved so much happiness, but all i got is sadness. it's exhausting. nobody understands my struggle. not even those people who i saw everyday. they don't have a clue. everything about my life is miserable. i prayed i'd die in childbirth - i should have to. that would be the end of this. i see no way out. i cannot deal anymore. i'm so insignificant that me leaving this world won't matter much anyway. it's a fact, i know. i don't matter. no one gives a damn. nobody does.