thank you for 8 years of hell

resentment

i wish you never sent me that stupid text. i wish i never met him and left you. you were my first love - the moment we met when we were 16.. it was you. it was always you. we were meant to be. we were supposed to be. right until the moment you fucked it up. and then i met him. long story short - now i have to live a life full of betrayal.. and resentment. with no way out. it was all because of you. 

LOML - loss of my life

i feel like im wasting my life away being his wife. everyday goes on like it means nothing, i look forward to nothing. whatever i want, whatever i need, i get it myself. might as well be single. oh god pls lemme have a boyfriend. im so fed up with everything and anything. someone, somebody pls come save me and just take me away, pretty pls.

'cause fuck it i was in love - so fuck you if i can't have us.

vigilante shit

so i started talking to someone - a guy. not in romantic kinda way, but more like a friend. a thoughtful one. about the daily struggle with our special son, he has one too. it makes me feel better, like a hell lot better. like i'm not alone. like somewhere somehow someone is suffering too, just like me. so i don't need to talk to you anymore. you don't have to say i "complained" too much anymore - when all i ever wanted is someone to talk to. you don't have to gaslight me that i'm not a good mother. you don't have to convince me that i'm useless. i know i'm not any of that - i just don't have to listen to you. have you ever done something just because you hate someone so much? like you just do what they want because then - you don't have to deal with them anymore. well, suck it. cos in the end - you just gotta do what you gotta do. you and your stupid ridiculous brain cells can go eat shit and die for all i care. 

what a shame she's fucked in the head - they said.

how do you stay with someone who doesn't give a fuck? well, starting from this moment, i won't bother telling you things. you won't hear shit from me. you won't know shit about me. no complaining, no nothing. i'll go on with my life as i pleased, i don't need you. i don't need your stupid opinion, i don't wanna know your thoughts, i don't wanna listen what you have to say. i stopped loving, i stopped caring, i honestly already gave up on you - long time back. whatever you got from me, just know it's all pretend. i'm pretending the fuck outta my life. heck, i won't even argue any of your ridiculous shit. you do you. to each their own. 

for the hope of it all

i am so alone i often have this imaginary boyfriend in my head. whenever everything sux in this real world - which basically all the time - i'll have my beloved boyfriend takes me to all the nice places. it was good, kept me going - at least. kinda pathetic tho but it's okay. it's just all in my head. nobody has to know. he's all mine to indulge... mine. the rest of the world might just fuck off, idgaf.

just between us - i remember it all too well

i want to go back to the night we hugged and whispered quietly and everything just feels right. how you kissed me in the middle of saying something.. when you knew i was thinking just because i blinked.. where are you? are you still there?

7 things

1. i hate you with all my heart

2. i wish i never knew you

3. if i could turn back time, i won’t even look at your way

4. i regret every path i took that led me to you

5. everyday in this life i feel stucked

6. i want to drop everything and just leave

7. maybe one day i will

hope it's nice where you are.

hi. it was your birthday yesterday. i miss you. you are and always been my love. since i was 20, since you kissed me that night. like if you call me today, right now, right at this moment - i would just drop everything and go to you. nothing else matters. i don't know if it's you or the idea of you. but when i was with you, i'm at peace. things just flow, i don't have to think, i don't have to force anything. i remember our last meet up. during your final days in malacca, in front of your hostel. our last kiss. as years go by, we talked a few times. and the last time was when you got married and didn't even bother to tell me. i wish you the best and that's it - done and dusted. like everything means nothing. i'm still lost, you know. i still don't find my way. but i hope it's nice where you are.

jar of hearts

maybe i should've just left when we temporarily broke up on 2015. like why did i stayed and begged? i could've saved myself from all this misery. everything about you is mediocre. and i'm stuck.

i missed -

 i missed being loved. 

RESENTMENT

after the 2nd one, i swore i won't carry his seed ever again. that's how much i resent him. but then God gave me the 3rd. didn't plan it, didn't expect it. ruined my lifelong dream of something. after a month, i found out he betrayed me again. all while knowing i'm carrying the 3rd - which i didn't even want. like how evil. so i let it grow. so it gave me strength - sort of. blessing in disguise? i don't know. all i know is that my life is now back to being awful again. honestly at this point, there's no more love - only obligations.

same old tired lonely place

what kind of life is this, so exhausted. and hard. and dull. like i never deserved happiness. since i was young, i was never truly happy. what did i do so wrong? why can i never find peace. i just wanna sit quietly - feel content and full. i wonder how that feels. everyday i just feel unfulfilled. like why am i still here, hopeless. what's the point of everything. i really don't understand. fed up.

STOP - YOU'RE LOSING ME.

started 2023 with not much hope. betrayal on my birthday week 2022 when he contacted that ugly bitch from that old place. that was when i found they went out when i was in labor for my 2nd born. how evil. then i just went on with my life. full of emptiness. things were okay cos there was nothing to expect. btwn money issues, work and kids, i don't have much time to reminisce things. then july happened. i never expected the 3rd. it was hard, while struggling to accept the fact - august happened. bullshit. so much bullshit. total lost of everything. dunno how am i still alive and living until today - and here comes 2024. again, theres nothing to hope for too. just moving along, that's all. bye now.

bad thingsss

ohmygosh he smells soooo damn good i can't think straight. it's suffocating. please don't come closer. i can't. it's 2009 all over again. okay i'm insane - but you're the same. go away.

shit life.

so sad. so bored. so lonely. no one cares. no one to talk to. so broke. cant buy anything. cant even sell anything. nobody is buying. so many things to pay. everything overdue. but no money. tummy so huge. so uncomfortable. cant even lie down and sleep properly. washing machine not working. house looks like shit. didnt see my family for so long. job too tiring. bestie so far away. cant go anywhere. everything sux.

somebody come save me and take my PROBLEMS away please. i cant do this anymore.

wildest dream

if i ever gonna have a new man in my life again ; the guy must be someone who is million times better than him - thoughtful. caring. listen. pays attention. smells good. clean. sweet smile. talk to me. laugh with me.  unconditional love. happy. peaceful. 

no cheating.

no emptiness. 

no loneliness.

no disappointment.

it's just us - one another.

well, dream on girl.

i think about jumping off of a very tall something - just to see you come running..

how do you get over the betrayal? you don't. it's just there, staring at you. from that very corner. the disrespect. the audacity. shameful. disgusted. trust me - every bones in my body wanted to leave. wanted to go. just be fucking disappear. and gone.

you weren't mine to lose.

so he said he started it. we talked bout it for the longest time when i found out. but no matter how much he explained, i just can't wrapped my head around it. like what did he saw in her? she's like the most typical human specimen you can find. ugly face, ugly attire, with an overall ugly personality to conclude. like literally no attraction at all. yet, he attracted to her? kissed in the car after work, planned to check-in at a trashy hotel room. said i love you, i miss you, and bullshit things like that - while i was there, unfulfilled, all alone and empty. like what was he thinking? i don't understand. you don't wanna let me go. and it's not like you wanna keep me either. what do you want? hurting me like this - why?