I. HATE. MY. LIFE.

CAN WE PRETEND THAT AIRPLANES IN THE NIGHT SKY ARE LIKE SHOOTING STARS? I COULD REALLY USE A WISH RIGHT NOW :D

i'm currently under so much stress. i cried almost everyday. worst, the bulimia is back. i was healthy for almost a year, now i feel like a total piece of crap. i just couldn't let anything stays in my stomach unless my brain says it's okay. i'm being so paranoid with foods esp carbs and oily stuffs. they looked so disgusting, and i feel disgusted. when everything is outta my system, then only i feel relieved. i don't know what to do, it's just crazy.

" i had never felt this feeling before. i could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

my stomach felt like it was going to fall outta my butt.

i had this lump in my throat like after you dry-swallowed a big pill. i hated you,

i hated you so much! "

bukan i yang buang semua benda which orang lain susah payah excited kasi dekat i, bukan i yang assume semua benda yang i decide adalah terbaik untuk orang lain, bukan i yang push orang lain pergi sebab i tak tahu apa yang i nak, bukan i yang pretend semua benda pun okay, bukan you yang menangis tiap kali ingat i, bukan you yang rasa kecewa sangat, bukan you yang penat begging how much you cinta dekat i, hari-hari macam bodoh emotional in this blog because i speak from the heart, jadi kenapa i yang salah? kenapa?

'cause i hated the heartbreak, crying and cheating, the fooling around :')

if God's the game that you're playing, well we must get more aquainted -- because it has to be so lonely, to be the only one who's holy :D

just when i was about to stop blogging, tengok-tengok ada pulak comment macam haram dekat my last entry bawah ni. mahu tak sentap lah pulak kan. masalahnya sekarang, my blog ni pasal my personal life. even boleh kata 90% contents dalam ni pasal my relationships, that's all. dah kalau kau tu budget super alim sangat, pergi lah carik blog agama kalau nak comment pun. kau tak lalu pun hidup aku yang nak suka hati sangat kasi nasihat konon tak tentu pasal. aku nak pakai tudung ke bikini ke, kau susah apa. ada pulak aku shopping pakai duit kau ke. kalau hidup aku buntu ke apa bagai semua pun, ada aku nak semak dekat kau ke. ada aku suruh kau baca blog aku? dah laa sendiri tak tahu malu terhegeh stalk blog orang, lepas tu tetiba terlebih palat pulak kan nak meroyan tak tahu hantar comment apa macam sial. anonymous pulak tu, kah kah bangang. lain kali kalau nak menggelabah pun kan, bukan dekat sini yea tempatnya. this is my private space, losers are not allowed. especially those stupid moron behan-chod like you :) thanks

and fuck off.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON :)

hey. this might be my last entry. i just don't have any feeling to update this bloody blog again. i might as well just delete it. but, it's okay. i think i just leave it this way. why? let me see. basically, my life is a complete bullshit. and anyway, dah takde maknanya pun i tulis everything dekat sini. the person who is directly involved, doesn't even care. why should i care then? i wanna get low-profile. dapat apa pun kalau everyday i cakap bila i sedih ke, bila i gembira ke, in the end it doesn't even matter. it's not like that's gonna change anything. people don't realize this, but hoping is too tiring. i nak hidup as it goes. i tak kesah jadi apa dekat depan. sedar tak buang masa je pun kita harap semua benda jadi yang macam kita nak, kita cuba sedaya-upaya buat benda jadi yang macam kita nak, tapi sebenarnya semua tu pun fate je. tak boleh ubah destiny, it's written already. so tak perlu lah nak bersusah-payah sangat. biar je dunia nak jadi apa pun. i have my few good friends, i have my boyfriend walaupun tak cinta but whatever lah, i still ada my family even jauh but they're still alive, i have my scholarship to study, maybe semua ni cukup kot as for now. balik malaysia nanti i nak carik lelaki yang baik untuk jaga i, and i'm gonna have beautiful babies :) but buat masa sekarang, i nak pass my uni's and get to 2nd year, eat good foods, sleep properly, have nice body, pretty hair, and smile always. that's it. till then,

goodbye.

i hate those tears that come everytime i think of you, i hate this deep feelings i have for you, i don't know why i ever let you to be close enough to touch my heart this much, and i just hate

i couldn't stop it. go away,

i want this all to go away.

i just can't take it anymore.

LET'S JUST PLAY DEAD AND FORGET ABOUT LOVE.

today is one of the worst day. my body, my mind, and my heart, semua macam dah taknak berfungsi. i'm typing now while having a massive headache. this is the fourth day of my diet plan, and as written before, i boleh ambil banana and milk je hari ni. sedih :( badan dah memberontak sebab tak cukup makan agaknya. dah laa sakit perut for the monthly reason, pastu tadi ada spotter. madam set soalan pelik, yang takde dalam past papers punya. mesti lah banyak salah jawab T_T my brain is also in rage sebab selasa ni block exams tapi dia taknak ingat apa-apa. berapa juta kali i baca pun, dia tak mau ingat. sedih :( my heart is also in rage. buat i menangis je hari ni, tak tahu dah berapa kali asek menangis je. sedih :(

oh, look what you've done? you've made a fool of everyone. oh well, it seems like such fun, until you lose what you had won :(

boy : i saw her today.

girl : i saw him today.

boy : it seems like it's been forever.

girl : i wonder if he still cares.

boy : she looks better than before.

girl : i couldn't stop staring at him.

boy : i asked about her new boyfriend.

girl : i asked how things are going.

boy : she's probably really happy now.

girl : i'd picked him over any boy i'm with.

boy : i can't even look at her without crying.

girl : i told him i miss him.

boy : she didn't mean it.

girl : i meant it.

boy : she doesn't mean it.

girl : i love him.

boy : she loves her new boyfriend.

girl : i held him for a last time.

boy : she gave me a friendly hug.

girl : then i went home and cried.

boy : then i went home and cried.

girl : i lost him.

boy : i love her.

you know what really sucks

about falling for a guy

you know you're not right for?

you fall anyway because

you think he might turn out

to be different.

WONDER SOUP ( sup sayuran :)

menu ni dapat dari website GM diet jugak, boleh laa. boleh makan, and also kenyang :p betul kot bila kita lapar, apa benda pun semua pun jadi sedap. heee :D

water

6 onion

2 green pepper

3 whole tomatoes

1 cabbage

1 celery

herb and seasoning

JUST KEEP IT QUIET, KEEP IT ON THE HUSH -- AND WHAT WE DO, KEEP IT JUST BETWEEN US :D

i love you too much, it shows

all my emotions go

out of control

good for you, bad for me

when i can hardly see

from the tears that flow ...

if it's not real you can't hold it in your hand, you can't feel it with your heart, and i won't believe it.

if you're smart, you know what i have with him is just a rebound relationship. if you're smart, you know facebook status means nothing. if you're smart, you know i didn't regret meeting you that morning. if you're smart, you know i'm still here no matter what. but if you're smart, you know i won't be waiting for too long. 'cause baby, you know it hurts too much you're not that smart.

sebab i'm freaking out betapa gemuknya i now, esok jugak i nak start dieting! tak kesah lah block exams ke apa benda, dah sekarang pun kalau tengok makanan je dah paranoid macam gila, better start je lah :D

** EVERYDAY -- 10 GLASSES OF WATER

DAY 1 : all fruits (no banana, watermelon is the best)

DAY 2 : all veg, potato for breakfast

DAY 3 : fruits + veg (no banana, no potato)

DAY 4 : banana (8) + milk (3 glasses) + soup

DAY 5 : 1 cup of rice / 1 piece of chicken / fish / beef + tomato (6) + extra 2 glasses of water

DAY 6 : beef + all veg (UNLIMITED)

DAY 7 : brown rice + fruit juice + all veg (UNLIMITED)

DAY 8 : i'll be at least 5kg thinner :) wish me luck!

GO GET YOUR SHOVEL, AND WE'LL DIG A DEEP HOLE -- TO BURY THE CASTLE :D

alamakkk. tadi pergi timbang berat, tengok dah naik 5 kg! faham tak, 5 kg wehh! selalu mengeluh apehal asek berat same je pergi running, diet semua same je tak berubah-ubah. sekarang amik kau berubah terus naik 5 kg! huu nak nanges T_T sepatutnya nak turun 5 kg, tapi nape naik pulak. tu laa, makan tak ingat. habis dah musim hujan, mesti lah asek lapar je :p sekarang dah takde pilihan lain, kena lose 10 kg! like wtf, memang impossible. sedih! bye, nak makan chocolate :(

i was left to cry there, waiting outside there, burning with a lost stare, that's when i decided :)

why should i care?

'cause you weren't there,

when i was scared

i was so alone

why should i care?

if you don't care,

then i don't care

we're not going anywhere.

ALRITE, THAT'S IT -- I'M DONE.

wow. seems like you lost my number already. it's okay, no big deal. okay lah. i might stop writing to you as well :D good for both of us, i guess. well, i dream of you last night. you said you're missing me, you wanna get back together, you make me feel very guilty to my current boyfie. it was so stupid, right? it was just a dream anyway. life is more stupid :p