dear H.

would you answer my call? would you reply my text? i just wanna talk -

remember when?

remember our very first date in sunway when we took pics at the photobooth and then you hugged me? remember when you posted me the pink ring and necklace? remember when we spent the evening in klebang? remember when you got me that avril lavigne tix? remember when you gave me the rose bouquet for my birthday? remember when you waited outside my house from midnight till morning, rang me thousand times, just for me to say no? remember when you sent me iphone to my parents house? remember when you were on your knees and begged me to stay? remember when i emailed you to say sorry? and remember when i texted you after so long - just for you to break me into pieces?

IS THAT ALL THERE IS?

it was the same damn thing, same ass excuses, boy you're useless

z

hey z. i wish you met me before her. i wish i met you before him too. so yeah...

gtfo and disappear

i wish i could just gtfo and disappear from this life. like what am i even doing here? what is the fucking point of this whole fucking thing? i don't understand. in fact i don't give a damn anymore. i just wanna go ahead and get gone. done. finished. KHALAS.

fml

tak boleh ke kau hadap je masalah bodoh kau tu sendiri tak payah nak dump dkt aku? kesah plak aku? masalah aku takde plak aku nak meluah dkt kau. kau buat je la apa yg kau rasa patut buat pastu dah. tak payah lebih2 nak cakap itu ini, tiap kali pun duk ulang2 benda bodoh yg same. the fuck i care? kau serabut dgn hidup kau pastu kau nak serabutkan kepala org lain. bila cakap sikit, tuduh aku tak faham pastu kau revert blk benda2 like im the one to blame. eh babi la. kau nak apa sebenarnya setan? mampos je la sana senang. sial la hidup camni nak kena hadap org mcm kau sampai mati. fuck my life.

thank you for 8 years of hell

resentment

i wish you never sent me that stupid text. i wish i never met him and left you. you were my first love - the moment we met when we were 16.. it was you. it was always you. we were meant to be. we were supposed to be. right until the moment you fucked it up. and then i met him. long story short - now i have to live a life full of betrayal.. and resentment. with no way out. it was all because of you. 

LOML - loss of my life

i feel like im wasting my life away being his wife. everyday goes on like it means nothing, i look forward to nothing. whatever i want, whatever i need, i get it myself. might as well be single. oh god pls lemme have a boyfriend. im so fed up with everything and anything. someone, somebody pls come save me and just take me away, pretty pls.

'cause fuck it i was in love - so fuck you if i can't have us.

vigilante shit

so i started talking to someone - a guy. not in romantic kinda way, but more like a friend. a thoughtful one. about the daily struggle with our special son, he has one too. it makes me feel better, like a hell lot better. like i'm not alone. like somewhere somehow someone is suffering too, just like me. so i don't need to talk to you anymore. you don't have to say i "complained" too much anymore - when all i ever wanted is someone to talk to. you don't have to gaslight me that i'm not a good mother. you don't have to convince me that i'm useless. i know i'm not any of that - i just don't have to listen to you. have you ever done something just because you hate someone so much? like you just do what they want because then - you don't have to deal with them anymore. well, suck it. cos in the end - you just gotta do what you gotta do. you and your stupid ridiculous brain cells can go eat shit and die for all i care. 

what a shame she's fucked in the head - they said.

how do you stay with someone who doesn't give a fuck? well, starting from this moment, i won't bother telling you things. you won't hear shit from me. you won't know shit about me. no complaining, no nothing. i'll go on with my life as i pleased, i don't need you. i don't need your stupid opinion, i don't wanna know your thoughts, i don't wanna listen what you have to say. i stopped loving, i stopped caring, i honestly already gave up on you - long time back. whatever you got from me, just know it's all pretend. i'm pretending the fuck outta my life. heck, i won't even argue any of your ridiculous shit. you do you. to each their own. 

for the hope of it all

i am so alone i often have this imaginary boyfriend in my head. whenever everything sux in this real world - which basically all the time - i'll have my beloved boyfriend takes me to all the nice places. it was good, kept me going - at least. kinda pathetic tho but it's okay. it's just all in my head. nobody has to know. he's all mine to indulge... mine. the rest of the world might just fuck off, idgaf.

just between us - i remember it all too well

i want to go back to the night we hugged and whispered quietly and everything just feels right. how you kissed me in the middle of saying something.. when you knew i was thinking just because i blinked.. where are you? are you still there?

7 things

1. i hate you with all my heart

2. i wish i never knew you

3. if i could turn back time, i won’t even look at your way

4. i regret every path i took that led me to you

5. everyday in this life i feel stucked

6. i want to drop everything and just leave

7. maybe one day i will

hope it's nice where you are.

hi. it was your birthday yesterday. i miss you. you are and always been my love. since i was 20, since you kissed me that night. like if you call me today, right now, right at this moment - i would just drop everything and go to you. nothing else matters. i don't know if it's you or the idea of you. but when i was with you, i'm at peace. things just flow, i don't have to think, i don't have to force anything. i remember our last meet up. during your final days in malacca, in front of your hostel. our last kiss. as years go by, we talked a few times. and the last time was when you got married and didn't even bother to tell me. i wish you the best and that's it - done and dusted. like everything means nothing. i'm still lost, you know. i still don't find my way. but i hope it's nice where you are.

jar of hearts

maybe i should've just left when we temporarily broke up on 2015. like why did i stayed and begged? i could've saved myself from all this misery. everything about you is mediocre. and i'm stuck.

i missed -

 i missed being loved. 

RESENTMENT

after the 2nd one, i swore i won't carry his seed ever again. that's how much i resent him. but then God gave me the 3rd. didn't plan it, didn't expect it. ruined my lifelong dream of something. after a month, i found out he betrayed me again. all while knowing i'm carrying the 3rd - which i didn't even want. like how evil. so i let it grow. so it gave me strength - sort of. blessing in disguise? i don't know. all i know is that my life is now back to being awful again. honestly at this point, there's no more love - only obligations.

same old tired lonely place

what kind of life is this, so exhausted. and hard. and dull. like i never deserved happiness. since i was young, i was never truly happy. what did i do so wrong? why can i never find peace. i just wanna sit quietly - feel content and full. i wonder how that feels. everyday i just feel unfulfilled. like why am i still here, hopeless. what's the point of everything. i really don't understand. fed up.

STOP - YOU'RE LOSING ME.

started 2023 with not much hope. betrayal on my birthday week 2022 when he contacted that ugly bitch from that old place. that was when i found they went out when i was in labor for my 2nd born. how evil. then i just went on with my life. full of emptiness. things were okay cos there was nothing to expect. btwn money issues, work and kids, i don't have much time to reminisce things. then july happened. i never expected the 3rd. it was hard, while struggling to accept the fact - august happened. bullshit. so much bullshit. total lost of everything. dunno how am i still alive and living until today - and here comes 2024. again, theres nothing to hope for too. just moving along, that's all. bye now.

bad thingsss

ohmygosh he smells soooo damn good i can't think straight. it's suffocating. please don't come closer. i can't. it's 2009 all over again. okay i'm insane - but you're the same. go away.

shit life.

so sad. so bored. so lonely. no one cares. no one to talk to. so broke. cant buy anything. cant even sell anything. nobody is buying. so many things to pay. everything overdue. but no money. tummy so huge. so uncomfortable. cant even lie down and sleep properly. washing machine not working. house looks like shit. didnt see my family for so long. job too tiring. bestie so far away. cant go anywhere. everything sux.

somebody come save me and take my PROBLEMS away please. i cant do this anymore.

wildest dream

if i ever gonna have a new man in my life again ; the guy must be someone who is million times better than him - thoughtful. caring. listen. pays attention. smells good. clean. sweet smile. talk to me. laugh with me.  unconditional love. happy. peaceful. 

no cheating.

no emptiness. 

no loneliness.

no disappointment.

it's just us - one another.

well, dream on girl.

i think about jumping off of a very tall something - just to see you come running..

how do you get over the betrayal? you don't. it's just there, staring at you. from that very corner. the disrespect. the audacity. shameful. disgusted. trust me - every bones in my body wanted to leave. wanted to go. just be fucking disappear. and gone.

you weren't mine to lose.

so he said he started it. we talked bout it for the longest time when i found out. but no matter how much he explained, i just can't wrapped my head around it. like what did he saw in her? she's like the most typical human specimen you can find. ugly face, ugly attire, with an overall ugly personality to conclude. like literally no attraction at all. yet, he attracted to her? kissed in the car after work, planned to check-in at a trashy hotel room. said i love you, i miss you, and bullshit things like that - while i was there, unfulfilled, all alone and empty. like what was he thinking? i don't understand. you don't wanna let me go. and it's not like you wanna keep me either. what do you want? hurting me like this - why?

by then - it would be too late.

i wonder what they have done in their life which deserved so much happiness, but all i got is sadness. it's exhausting. nobody understands my struggle. not even those people who i saw everyday. they don't have a clue. everything about my life is miserable. i prayed i'd die in childbirth - i should have to. that would be the end of this. i see no way out. i cannot deal anymore. i'm so insignificant that me leaving this world won't matter much anyway. it's a fact, i know. i don't matter. no one gives a damn. nobody does.

because a lifetime is too long.

i don't know how long can i survive this but i know it won't be forever. i wish i could just pack up my things and go, but i can't. i wish there's someone who would just come and save me from this misery, but nobody came. i'm just so lonely and tired. i go about my life as usual, said i'm fine - but it wasn't true. carrying another person inside of me is so exhausting, considering i'm already depressed with the current two. especially when it's his. what part of me don't love him anymore that he doesn't understand? i don't love you, i don't love you, i don't love you. fucking let me go please. shitty life. i hate everything. 

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew.

I hope nobody read this blog - cos I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say and there won't be any filter. Come to think of it, I'm the one who supposed to cheat. I never get what I want. I'm always lonely. He doesn't care anything about me. No gifts during birthdays or anniversaries, not even kind wishes. No holidays, no lovey-dovey. He knows nothing about me. He doesn't know my friends, places I love to go, foods I like to eat, brands I love to buy, songs I like to hear, movies I like to watch, my favorite things to do, or any sorts of anything about me. I don't even share stuffs to him cos he doesn't get it. In fact, most of the time he wasn't interested. He wasn't invested. I don't matter. He doesn't listen, he doesn't hear me. He doesn't even see me. It was like I'm nothing. It's empty. Hopeless. 

I met L at work. He listens and he cares. But the thing is, he's taken. If only he was single, I think I already gone with him. I stop myself from going too close, and trust me it's so difficult - took the whole of me. I wanted someone like him for so long I can remember. The only thing is that, he wasn't mine to take. I know my place, so I back off. Sometimes, I dreamt bout him. It feels so wrong tho. He smells so good, and his smile is the sweetest. I still got butterflies everytime I see him or even say his name, but I guess that was it. Till then, I'm just stuck with myself and my loneliness - until the day I die. What a sad life, right?

MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR AND WE CAN STAY

3 months have passed, but I still cannot get over his betrayal. This wasn't the first time, and somehow I'm know it's not gonna be the last. I'm so frustrated, devastated, disappointed, but most of all, I feel numb. I don't deserved this. Why. I don't understand. I'm lost. I gave up. Can you come and make it all disappear?

I MISS YOU H.

Hello. So basically - fast forward to 2023, almost 13 years since my last post. I feel the need to write here since there's nowhere else.. When I first started this blog, I was young, truly and madly in love with S. He was long gone - along with few others, but the feeling still persist. My dream of having one true love was never came true. I'm still stucked in this same old tired, lonely place.

The closest I felt like he's the one was H. He did everything right up until he messed it up. Then along came R. I fucked up, chose R over H - only to settle down and got betrayed multiple times. I guess that's my karma. I thought by choosing a somewhat mediocre thing, life would end up normal. I was wrong. Now there's no turning back, no one to turn to. I AM ALL ALONE AND LONELY, SO YEAH.

I. HATE. MY. LIFE.

CAN WE PRETEND THAT AIRPLANES IN THE NIGHT SKY ARE LIKE SHOOTING STARS? I COULD REALLY USE A WISH RIGHT NOW :D

i'm currently under so much stress. i cried almost everyday. worst, the bulimia is back. i was healthy for almost a year, now i feel like a total piece of crap. i just couldn't let anything stays in my stomach unless my brain says it's okay. i'm being so paranoid with foods esp carbs and oily stuffs. they looked so disgusting, and i feel disgusted. when everything is outta my system, then only i feel relieved. i don't know what to do, it's just crazy.

" i had never felt this feeling before. i could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

my stomach felt like it was going to fall outta my butt.

i had this lump in my throat like after you dry-swallowed a big pill. i hated you,

i hated you so much! "

bukan i yang buang semua benda which orang lain susah payah excited kasi dekat i, bukan i yang assume semua benda yang i decide adalah terbaik untuk orang lain, bukan i yang push orang lain pergi sebab i tak tahu apa yang i nak, bukan i yang pretend semua benda pun okay, bukan you yang menangis tiap kali ingat i, bukan you yang rasa kecewa sangat, bukan you yang penat begging how much you cinta dekat i, hari-hari macam bodoh emotional in this blog because i speak from the heart, jadi kenapa i yang salah? kenapa?

'cause i hated the heartbreak, crying and cheating, the fooling around :')

if God's the game that you're playing, well we must get more aquainted -- because it has to be so lonely, to be the only one who's holy :D

just when i was about to stop blogging, tengok-tengok ada pulak comment macam haram dekat my last entry bawah ni. mahu tak sentap lah pulak kan. masalahnya sekarang, my blog ni pasal my personal life. even boleh kata 90% contents dalam ni pasal my relationships, that's all. dah kalau kau tu budget super alim sangat, pergi lah carik blog agama kalau nak comment pun. kau tak lalu pun hidup aku yang nak suka hati sangat kasi nasihat konon tak tentu pasal. aku nak pakai tudung ke bikini ke, kau susah apa. ada pulak aku shopping pakai duit kau ke. kalau hidup aku buntu ke apa bagai semua pun, ada aku nak semak dekat kau ke. ada aku suruh kau baca blog aku? dah laa sendiri tak tahu malu terhegeh stalk blog orang, lepas tu tetiba terlebih palat pulak kan nak meroyan tak tahu hantar comment apa macam sial. anonymous pulak tu, kah kah bangang. lain kali kalau nak menggelabah pun kan, bukan dekat sini yea tempatnya. this is my private space, losers are not allowed. especially those stupid moron behan-chod like you :) thanks

and fuck off.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON :)

hey. this might be my last entry. i just don't have any feeling to update this bloody blog again. i might as well just delete it. but, it's okay. i think i just leave it this way. why? let me see. basically, my life is a complete bullshit. and anyway, dah takde maknanya pun i tulis everything dekat sini. the person who is directly involved, doesn't even care. why should i care then? i wanna get low-profile. dapat apa pun kalau everyday i cakap bila i sedih ke, bila i gembira ke, in the end it doesn't even matter. it's not like that's gonna change anything. people don't realize this, but hoping is too tiring. i nak hidup as it goes. i tak kesah jadi apa dekat depan. sedar tak buang masa je pun kita harap semua benda jadi yang macam kita nak, kita cuba sedaya-upaya buat benda jadi yang macam kita nak, tapi sebenarnya semua tu pun fate je. tak boleh ubah destiny, it's written already. so tak perlu lah nak bersusah-payah sangat. biar je dunia nak jadi apa pun. i have my few good friends, i have my boyfriend walaupun tak cinta but whatever lah, i still ada my family even jauh but they're still alive, i have my scholarship to study, maybe semua ni cukup kot as for now. balik malaysia nanti i nak carik lelaki yang baik untuk jaga i, and i'm gonna have beautiful babies :) but buat masa sekarang, i nak pass my uni's and get to 2nd year, eat good foods, sleep properly, have nice body, pretty hair, and smile always. that's it. till then,

goodbye.

i hate those tears that come everytime i think of you, i hate this deep feelings i have for you, i don't know why i ever let you to be close enough to touch my heart this much, and i just hate

i couldn't stop it. go away,

i want this all to go away.

i just can't take it anymore.

LET'S JUST PLAY DEAD AND FORGET ABOUT LOVE.

today is one of the worst day. my body, my mind, and my heart, semua macam dah taknak berfungsi. i'm typing now while having a massive headache. this is the fourth day of my diet plan, and as written before, i boleh ambil banana and milk je hari ni. sedih :( badan dah memberontak sebab tak cukup makan agaknya. dah laa sakit perut for the monthly reason, pastu tadi ada spotter. madam set soalan pelik, yang takde dalam past papers punya. mesti lah banyak salah jawab T_T my brain is also in rage sebab selasa ni block exams tapi dia taknak ingat apa-apa. berapa juta kali i baca pun, dia tak mau ingat. sedih :( my heart is also in rage. buat i menangis je hari ni, tak tahu dah berapa kali asek menangis je. sedih :(

oh, look what you've done? you've made a fool of everyone. oh well, it seems like such fun, until you lose what you had won :(

boy : i saw her today.

girl : i saw him today.

boy : it seems like it's been forever.

girl : i wonder if he still cares.

boy : she looks better than before.

girl : i couldn't stop staring at him.

boy : i asked about her new boyfriend.

girl : i asked how things are going.

boy : she's probably really happy now.

girl : i'd picked him over any boy i'm with.

boy : i can't even look at her without crying.

girl : i told him i miss him.

boy : she didn't mean it.

girl : i meant it.

boy : she doesn't mean it.

girl : i love him.

boy : she loves her new boyfriend.

girl : i held him for a last time.

boy : she gave me a friendly hug.

girl : then i went home and cried.

boy : then i went home and cried.

girl : i lost him.

boy : i love her.

you know what really sucks

about falling for a guy

you know you're not right for?

you fall anyway because

you think he might turn out

to be different.

WONDER SOUP ( sup sayuran :)

menu ni dapat dari website GM diet jugak, boleh laa. boleh makan, and also kenyang :p betul kot bila kita lapar, apa benda pun semua pun jadi sedap. heee :D

water

6 onion

2 green pepper

3 whole tomatoes

1 cabbage

1 celery

herb and seasoning

JUST KEEP IT QUIET, KEEP IT ON THE HUSH -- AND WHAT WE DO, KEEP IT JUST BETWEEN US :D

i love you too much, it shows

all my emotions go

out of control

good for you, bad for me

when i can hardly see

from the tears that flow ...

if it's not real you can't hold it in your hand, you can't feel it with your heart, and i won't believe it.

if you're smart, you know what i have with him is just a rebound relationship. if you're smart, you know facebook status means nothing. if you're smart, you know i didn't regret meeting you that morning. if you're smart, you know i'm still here no matter what. but if you're smart, you know i won't be waiting for too long. 'cause baby, you know it hurts too much you're not that smart.

sebab i'm freaking out betapa gemuknya i now, esok jugak i nak start dieting! tak kesah lah block exams ke apa benda, dah sekarang pun kalau tengok makanan je dah paranoid macam gila, better start je lah :D

** EVERYDAY -- 10 GLASSES OF WATER

DAY 1 : all fruits (no banana, watermelon is the best)

DAY 2 : all veg, potato for breakfast

DAY 3 : fruits + veg (no banana, no potato)

DAY 4 : banana (8) + milk (3 glasses) + soup

DAY 5 : 1 cup of rice / 1 piece of chicken / fish / beef + tomato (6) + extra 2 glasses of water

DAY 6 : beef + all veg (UNLIMITED)

DAY 7 : brown rice + fruit juice + all veg (UNLIMITED)

DAY 8 : i'll be at least 5kg thinner :) wish me luck!

GO GET YOUR SHOVEL, AND WE'LL DIG A DEEP HOLE -- TO BURY THE CASTLE :D

alamakkk. tadi pergi timbang berat, tengok dah naik 5 kg! faham tak, 5 kg wehh! selalu mengeluh apehal asek berat same je pergi running, diet semua same je tak berubah-ubah. sekarang amik kau berubah terus naik 5 kg! huu nak nanges T_T sepatutnya nak turun 5 kg, tapi nape naik pulak. tu laa, makan tak ingat. habis dah musim hujan, mesti lah asek lapar je :p sekarang dah takde pilihan lain, kena lose 10 kg! like wtf, memang impossible. sedih! bye, nak makan chocolate :(

i was left to cry there, waiting outside there, burning with a lost stare, that's when i decided :)

why should i care?

'cause you weren't there,

when i was scared

i was so alone

why should i care?

if you don't care,

then i don't care

we're not going anywhere.

ALRITE, THAT'S IT -- I'M DONE.

wow. seems like you lost my number already. it's okay, no big deal. okay lah. i might stop writing to you as well :D good for both of us, i guess. well, i dream of you last night. you said you're missing me, you wanna get back together, you make me feel very guilty to my current boyfie. it was so stupid, right? it was just a dream anyway. life is more stupid :p

bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun, when i was still your number one :)

pooch : ah.

jensen : no.

pooch : yeah.

jensen : really?

pooch : why not?

jensen : can you?

pooch : of course.

jensen : okay.

HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS?

nanti WC final i nak sokong spain :D you sokong lah holland your fav tu, kita tengok siapa yang menang? HAHAA anw, good luck lah esok you punya block exams yea. jangan asek 62 je :p tapi takpe lah janji pass kan. you're a smart guy, i know :) but sometimes you made stupid decisions. erks, i don't know why?

come be my one and only

i'm tired of being so lonely,

come hold me :D

you should've said no, baby -- and you might still have me.

a boy likes a girl. the girl don't know. the boy is ordinary. the girl is pretty. the boy changed. the girl noticed. they became friends. the boy with another one. the girl loves someone. the boy don't mind. so the girl asked the boy out. the boy was happy. then something happened. and they kissed, more than a kiss. it was great, it was weird and crazy. the girl felt guilty. the boy is confused. the girl back off. the boy did to. the girl said sorry. the boy said it's okay. the girl is not okay. the boy is not okay. no it's not okay. was it worth it?

I CAN LIE AND HIDE, AND FOOL YOUR HEART -- IF I WAS A MAN.

hello everybody. i dah dua hari tak pergi dissection class, haha selamba :p banyak hal lah hidup berabur lately. semalam sebab auto strike, celah mana nak pergi class takde transport. nasib baik class test petang tu the boyfie tolong drop me. pagi ni pulak ter-overslept sebab last night see-off the boyfie. dia cuti balik hometown for 3 weeks :( bencinyaaa! i'm gonna be lonely lah macam ni, huu. anw i can't get this thing out of my fucking mind, something which happened the other night. it was super duper hyper awesome, but very very bad at the same time. fuck it, fuck it. i nak pergi layan movie lah, sorang-sorang. kebelakangan ni i banyak tengok movie yang berkualiti. eche dan dan :D contohnya macam brooklyns finest, catch me if you can, city of god, etc etc. well then, now i nak tengok the banquet sambil download hotel rwanda :) yeahh, we rolling!

i started blurring the lines, 'cause i didn't care. i started crossing the line, 'cause you were never there.

ohh? this is so surprising, you went anyway? i remember i've asked you before, only lame ppl will go. mati-mati taknak pergi kan bila i tanya dulu. hujung-hujung pergi jugak :p yeah right, whatever. semua orang pun hipokrit sebenarnya, cuma mengaku tak mengaku je. ada dua kemungkinan, samada you are one of those lame ppl atau you kerek taknak be seen with me in public. i knew it, dari dulu lagi you memang malu kan nak tayang semua orang you were with me? i dah agak dah, fuck you lah you stupid moron behan-chod :D ada aku kesah, fuck. btw last night we did a pinky promise, me and my biggest crush since the first week of the first year in manipal. who is he, that's a secret i'll never tell :)

style of your hair,

shape of your eyes and your nose

the way you stare,

as if you see right through to my soul ...

i just can't understand the ways, of all the men and their mistakes -- you gave them all your heart, and then they rip it all away :(

hey you. i miss you like crazy lah lately. i tak tahu kenapa, maybe sebab you pun rindu i jugak? kah kah, perasan je kan :p semalam bila i was studying with the boyfie, i dengar my ipod, i hampir nak menangis bila dengar your song. bayangkan lah, i nak menangis ingat you depan my boyfie. kah kah, gila tak?

BECAUSE YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG :)

kadang-kadang i rasa boleh tak kita be together for just one night, tell the truth, say how much we love each other, ignore the rest of the world, don't bother what people may think, let's just be together. and esok, we can go back pretending like you and i were never exist. nak tak?


p/s : ohh you're still stalking my blog, do that means you still care?

LATELY MALAS NAK UPDATE, JADI MARI KITA TENGOK TRAILER OKAYY?

TWILIGHT SAGA : ECLIPSE

HARRY POTTER : DEATHLY HALLOWS

then, forget about the idiots. they're going to see what they want to see. even if you completely changed everything, they wouldn't be happy. they don't want you to change, they want you to go away. i've tried that -- i didn't like it.

TOP 5IVE LELAKI HOT SEDUNIA :D

5. WILL SMITH

4. WENTWORTH MILLER

3. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

2. JAY SEAN

1. ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

** ciri-ciri yang mesti ada -- badan perlu tough lah kan :) muka jarang senyum, jadi teruja macam gilaaa nak tengok dia senyum :p mata cantek sangat, like OMG! dan bentuk muka macam bersegi, ehehee dagu macho and skin colour mesti lah yang tanned / tak fair baru handsome :D of course, dark hair itu wajib! niceee ^^

i remember when we kissed

i still feel it on my lips

the time that you danced with me

with no music playing

i remember those simple things

i remember 'til i cry

but the one thing i wish i'd forget

the memory i wanna forget

is goodbye ...

i want this to be over, i so want this to be through.

sorry that i skipped one day. i saw you malam hari tu, so i guess i just lost my word to say. dunia macam stop dah masa tu, and to be honest, i never realized how much i rindu you until i tengok you that night ( even it was just for 2 secs rasanya ) my brain macam kosong, and my heart macam hilang tak tahu pergi mana. and i mimpi you also, masa i tidur that night. OMG i rasa macam betul jadi gila lah :(

in a dream, you appeared. for a while, you were here -- so i keep sleeping, just to keep you with me :)

here comes the rain again, falling from the stars :D

okayy. sebab ear-pain tak baik-baik lagi since monday hari tu, so i went to the hospital this morning. the boyfie dropped me, tho' he's not in a good mood sebab ada this one guy keeps on texting me :( hey it's not my fault that he bugs me, right? but anyway, i dah pergi clinic the other day but doctor tu macam sengal gila. nasib baik this time i pergi hospital, the doctor was better. baik, macam tu lah orang suka :) dia letak something in my ear, and i have to get it remove by next monday. so, my hearing ability is officially reduced to half as for now. hahaa entah apa-apa. well, my today's mood is okay-okay only. i rasa sangat slow, and esok ada spotter pukul 3 petang. boleh bayang tak orang buat exams petang-petang like that? urghh tu waktu i tidur lah, kacau betul! and btw i tak study apa pun lagi, lazy bum :p i nak balik malaysia lah, rindu nak makan mcd and kiss my sis :D kenapa aug lambat sangat ni? haihh T_T

lengloi ♥

the boyfie is not well -- he's catching a fever and cold. so i thought i'm baking a cake for him today. to be precise, a moist chocolate cake. hopefully it'll turns out well and he's gonna like it :) will update soon!

I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS.

how come we never came closer, when all the stars were aligned? i thought we had a moment ...

MOMMY DEAREST :D

i feel so sad today. exam was, haihh. i dunno what to say :( same old, same old. i wanna go back to my hometown. i don't wanna be here anymore. i miss my mom -- tho' i couldn't really talk much to her ( she's too busy, and my probs are too crappy ) but it feels good just to see her. she's the only person on this earth who can forgive me no matter what bullshits i've done. mama, along rindu! nak balik T_T

i know, cantek kan? this is my mom ♥

&& she's wonderful !

SO I LET GO -- WATCHING YOU, TURN YOUR BACK LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

urghh esok block exams and i tidur je whole day hari ni! gila tak? okayy dah dah, nak start hafal-ing T_T hopefully boleh jawab, i really really need to pass!

so it annoys me

you wasn't man enough

to come and tell me

that i was never the one ...

23 THINGS ?

sebab my syifa darling cakap open-tag, so yeahh :)

1. hello. my name is syamimi farhanah, mostly orang panggil mimi je :D

2. i ada 5 siblings including me, and semua pun girls. woohoo :p and semua name ada syamimi dekat depan :)

3. my birthday is on 9th october, sama dengan HANIS ZALIKHA :D be jealous!

4. i'm doing MBBS, cuma takde lah minat sangat nak jadi doctor tapi dah terambil course ni nak buat macam mana? full scholarship so my parents tak payah bayar apa-apa :p

5. i suka shopping, that's what i do for living :D i boleh jalan sehari suntuk dalam shopping mall, tak rasa penat masuk into each and every shop yang ada. i love klcc the most :) pavilion the second most :p

6. and bila i nak shop, i prefer pergi dengan girls especially yang boleh consult me baju mana yang paling lawa, or apa-apa barang yang sesuai for me lah, sebab i memang tak reti pilih. i pernah nak beli 2 the very same kinda tops sebab i can't make up my mind which colour lagi cantek -- i know, wtf right?

8. and and, sebab i suka shopping, my money selalu habis. but then money selalu datang balik jugak. guess i'm blessed like that :D

9. i paling benci kalau orang sibuk my life as if dia macam takde life sendiri nak jaga. lagi-lagi kalau he / she is not even my friend. GTFO okayy.

10. lagi satu yang i pantang is that orang yang call me masa i tengah tidur. OMGGG i don't care who you are or whether you didn't even know i was sleeping ; just don't call me.

11. ini khas untuk guys ; kalau you janji pukul 7, datang pukul 7 or 7.15 pun takpe. jangan pukul 8 baru terhegeh nak text me cakap pukul 8.30 baru sampai. i sepak you kang? kalau girls takpe, i can tolerate :)

12. lagi satu untuk guys ; kalau 1st date tu plz ohh plz jangan lah bawak i kedai mamak. sangat tak classy okayy, turn-off gila. yang tak bawak pergi makan lagi lah bengong. weh, orang lapar lah sengal T_T

13. kalau i marah i memang akan swear. contoh ayat -- fuck you lah, fuck you very very much! ( haha padan lah muka, siapa suruh carik pasal? ) kalau sampai dah takde point, baru lah i start menangis T_T huu!

14. i tak kesah langsung kalau orang nak kata i gedik. lebih baik jadi gedik daripada jadi weirdo, atau kampung :p gossip girl pun kau tak pernah tengok lagi ada hati nak komen pasal personality orang. hehh kelakar sungguh :D

15. kalau dalam journey jauh for example macam dalam flight, or train, or even kereta pun, i akan dengar my ipod sambil pura-pura tidur. sorry lah yea orang sebelah ; i memang takkan layan you membebel apa :p

16. well anw i tak suka travel pun sebenarnya, leceh. i suka bila dah sampai tempat yang dituju je :p

17. i prefer darker guys, they're wayyy hotter. fair guys nampak macam gay, kah kah :D

18. i takkan, tak mahu, dan tak pernah ada perasaan nak pergi tengok cerita hantu / thriller / bunuh-bunuh orang dekat cinema. hell no T_T

19. i jenis yang akan reply msg laju-laju. i boleh texting sambil lintas jalan tahu tak, haha so kalau i lambat reply tu maksudnya i memang tak perasan my phone bunyik ( which means i tengah tidur, obviously -- sila refer no. 10 ) or i tengah fikir nak reply apa, or i memang tak kuasa nak reply.

20. kalau i call sekali tu sila angkat, i memang jenis tak suka bugging orang nak call sampai 2 3 kali kecuali ada emergency lah kan. macam tu jugak lah i tak suka orang bugging me :p

21. i suka dancing and singing sebenarnya, selalu berangan-angan nak perform dekat crowd tapi sumpah sampai bila pun takkan berani punya :p ehehee.

22. kalau bilik sepah-sepah barang berterabur tu takpe, tapi jangan kotor or smelly ke apa. yeww :(

23. ppl who are most likely to be my bestfriends are those who listen and don't judge :) semua orang pun buat salah kan, so jangan nak berlagak angelic sangat. provided that when we're together ; we're not mem-boring-kan each other. see, simple kan?

stay the hell outta my life lah, you small-minded ppl !

MYOFB, BITCH :D

i jumpa my friend tadi. borak-borak and all, sat lagi dia cakap dekat i yang ada sorang lagi my " friend " ni sibuk tanya whether i pergi clubbing ke tak? i mean like wtf? apesal busybody sangat hal orang ni? kalau i pergi pun kenapa? i masuk sana guna duet you ke? bodoh nya kau ni, semak boleh tak? padan muka sekarang semua manusia-manusia semak dah kena delete from my fb. kah kah kah :D kalau add semata-mata nak stalk life orang, you can go fuck yourself up. come on lah, you mati ke hidup pun i langsung tak kesah but you pulak menggelabah pasal my life kenapa? what the hell is wrong with you? macam takde kerja lain pulak kan nak sibuk hal orang, jaga hal sendiri sudah. stupid moron ppl :p get outta my face lah weh.

sedarkah kau di sini ku pun terluka, melupakan mu, menafikan mu -- maafkan aku :'(

if that's what you want -- all right :)

mari bercakap tentang break-up :) i've been through it so many times that i dah boleh trace dia punya phases :p phase pertama, of course mesti lah sedih. tahap kesedihan pula bergantung kepada betapa sayangnya you dekat dia. lagi sayang, lagi sedih. peringkat paling kronik is that, you akan menangis macam orang gila. maybe this one is applied untuk girls je, but guys also sometimes akan menangis juga. cuma diorang takkan tunjuk je, yelah ego kan :p phase kedua, you akan jadi angry, menyampah, benci, dan seumpamanya. peringkat ni termasuk lah screaming, calling names, throwing things, deleting photos, etc. bab-bab buang barang ni i dah pernah cuba dulu, pastu menyesal. yeahh bila dah masuk peringkat regret, tu adalah phase ketiga. menyesal lah, contohnya you akan fikir balik kenapa semua benda boleh jadi macam ni. and then you akan fikir, what if certain things yang membawa towards the break-up tu tak jadi. pastu you akan teringat semua benda yang buat you happy, masa ni lah you akan rindu sangat dekat dia. beware, this is the most dangerous time. you akan buat benda-benda bodoh such as texting, calling, or even asking that one person to get back together. ohh pathetic :( until one day, bila you dah berjaya get over this phase you akan masuk phase seterusnya -- which is don't bother and don't care. banyak faktor yang mendorong kepada tahap terakhir ni, contohnya kesedaran diri sendiri yang semua pun dah takde maknanya sekarang, or you dah realize how such a loser that person is, or mungkin juga you dah jumpa orang lain yang treat you much better :D so wella!

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE IN MY LIFE, EVEN IF I'M NOT IN YOUR LIFE.

selain daripada results yang menghampakan, no i takde update lain. sebab sekarang musim hujan, perasaan pun emo-ish je. terasa cepat gila annoyed kot. dah laa badan macam bloating sana sini, kuat makan pulak tu. tak boleh elak sebab asek lapar :p pastu exams makin lama makin dekat, takut tapi pemalas nak belajar. macam baca apa pun semua pun taknak masuk, fikiran terbang-terbang tak tahu pergi mana. and the best part is, i'm ridiculosly maseh rindu dekat you :(

tengahari tadi dekat fc i nampak you. hati i macam nak pecah :( so i laju-laju makan, and i nak balik cepat-cepat tak kesah lah hujan lebat ke apa. i nak balik, i taknak tengok you, i tak boleh. i tak tahu sampai bila akan jadi macam ni, tapi i memang tak mahu tengok you lagi sekarang. i benci you buat i macam ni. sakit sangat lah. but at least, i dah tak menangis pasal you lagi. that's a good thing :)

YOU SAID MOVE ON, WHERE DO I GO?

OMGGGG. MINGGU DEPAN ADA BLOCK EXAMS RUPANYA! KENAPA MACAM LAJU SANGAT? I MACAM TAK SEDAR KOT, ENJOY TERLEBIH. SABTU NI SPOTTER -- I'M FUCKING DEAD T_T

this week is officially the boyfie week :) among the nicest things are -- bangun pagi-pagi hujan, sejuk-sejuk lepak dekat balkoni, pergi breakfast, balik tengok movie, order-in pizza, merepek gaduh-gaduh dan making each other annoyed, and malam shisha pulak :D yeah i'm happy, i am. kalau i tak tiba-tiba terfikir pasal someone tu lah :( tak boleh nak buat apa dah.

hanya dirimu yang pernah tenangkan ku dalam pelukmu -- saat ku menangis :')

tak pernah ku mencuba dan tak ingin ku mengisi hatiku dengan cinta yang lain, kan ku biarkan ruang hampa di dalam hidupku ...

bosan lah cakap pasal lelaki, love, semua ni. let's write about something else. kebelakangan ni, i terasa macam stranger dekat tempat sendiri. i barely slept at my place, and most of the time dah tentu mesti ada " bestfriend " si flat-chest tu dekat sini. hehh bukan macam kawan baik pun, more to orang suruhan je i tengok. kena arah itu ini, ahh kesian :p anw bosan boleh? i macam dah tak bebas nak bergerak okayy. and the best part is, diorang boleh pulak buat muka macam haram bila kawan i yang came over. seriously, gila tak fair weh. nasib baik lah korang nak blah dah february depan, sumpah i dah bosan :p sebenarnya kan, lagi cepat B23 blah lagi bagus. semak je semua-semua pun. lagi satu gf si bangang yang paranoid tu, stalk blog orang lah apa bagai. yeww gila tak reti malu kau ni yea dah ar tak hot, hahahaa. except my darling B. lah :( i'll be missing her like hell bila dia pergi nanti, that's for sure. sekarang sebab blog sudah private, baru seronok nak tulis ikut suka :D yeayy.

WOULDN'T YOU SAY YOU WERE LONELY AND LOVE WAS BREAKING YOUR HEART ?

remember, i didn't walk away -- you let me go.

mula-mula i ingat nak isi masa lapang je dengan dia, plus it's easier for me untuk lupakan encik chicken kalau i macam dah ada orang lain, move on semua. tapi sekarang, i dunno. i mula tersuka sikit kot? dia baik lah, layan me baik gila. dia je yang sabar with me kalau sometimes i buat perangai, instead of calling me " emo " :p gosh i hate that term! and last nite, he talked of being the most wonderful guy i ever had. come to think about it -- yeah i think he is :)

today sangat moody, so humour me :D mari bercakap tentang lelaki sour-grape! diorang ni bila kita layan dia dulu, dia budget kita terhegeh sangat nak dia. pastu dia mula menggelabah takut kita tersuka lebih dekat dia, and then dia start lah kasi alasan konon-konon macam dia tak ready lagi apa bagai. i mean like, seriously? yeah we're flirting. tapi kalau you're playing me, i dah played you lama dulu kot :p pastu bila kita dah move on, dia blame kita. dia cakap kita fucked him up. and then bila kita dah hilang feeling, dia cuba datang balik. macam pura-pura je semua tu kan but really, what do you want from me actually? you sebenarnya taknak pun dekat i, tapi you suka perasaan bila i nak dekat you. kan kan? uh-huh i faham dah :)

when people we care about suddenly turn against us, we can come up with all sorts of reasons to explain it -- who knows what really happened?

IF YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, I WISH THAT YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE.

BRAIN : boleh, mesti boleh punya.

HEART : ahh, tak boleh. maseh ingat dia :(

BRAIN : habis tu, cuba fikir boleh buat apa lagi?

HEART : tak, tak boleh fikir. asek rindu dia je, macam gila.

BRAIN : tapi sekarang kan dah happy, layan perasaan sedih kenapa?

HEART : memang taknak, tapi rasa tu selalu je ada.

BRAIN : dah, takde guna. tak payah ingat lagi dah.

HEART : awak senang lah nak lupa semua benda ..

BRAIN : awak tu yang lemah sangat, kuat sikit okay?

HEART : hmm, okay.

sugar town :) :) :)

you know, this isn't the first time

this has happened to me,

this love-sick thing :)

i like serious relationships -- and

a girl like me don't stay single for long

'cause everytime a boyfriend and i break-up

my world is crushed and i'm all alone

the love bug crawls right back up

and bites me and i'm backkk :D

GO-GO-GOAAA :D

tepi jalan :D

lelaki kacak :)

perempuan gedik :p

beach ♥

sand is over-rated, it's just tiny little rocks :)

hey there. sorry for being gone for awhile. i was away and now i'm back :) next entry for the updates sebab kejap lagi ada test tapi tak baca apa-apa yet. urgh benci gila, okay lah see ya!

MY FAULT, YOUR MISTAKE.

why did boys always do that? why they have to justify everything? why can't they just say " i'm sorry ".

hey chicken !

good luck :)

tho' i still marah 'bout everything,

i wish you well anyway.

don't worry so much,

you'll do just fine.

state the obvious, i didn't get my perfect fantasy :p

entry ni khas untuk the super ex-bf, tapi kalau ada anyone nak baca pun boleh je takde hal. ayuhh :D hari tu kan, masa birthday you, my bestie cakap nampak you dekat tempat karaoke. then ada lah sorang lagi kawan my bestie also dekat situ. yang tak boleh blah nya pastu my bestie pun bisik lah kata, eyh eyh itu ex-bf syamimi sambil pointed to you ar kan. then nak tahu apa kawan my bestie jawab? ohh ye ke? buruk gila! kahkah. meh meh replay balik. ohh ye ke? buruk gila! kahkahkah. terhina tak rasa? i pun tak paham kenapa ntah boleh tersuka dekat you dulu, no wonder lah sume orang pun pelik. tak sesuai kot, you buruk gila. mu-ha-ha anw, berapa banyak perempuan hodoh you pergi fuck that day? bagus lah together you guys make super ugly babies, yewww!

HE KISSED MY LIPS, I TASTE YOUR MOUTH. HE PULLED ME IN, I WAS DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF :(

if you want me -- it takes more than a wink, more than a drink, more than you think :)

money is always the issue. i promised to myself, long long time ago, i'm not gonna end up with someone who can't pay for me. i grew up watching how hard was it for my mom to pay for everything, and i don't wanna be that woman. i won't suffer like her. there's no need for you to say money won't buy happiness, or love could conquer it all, or whatever the crap is, i won't buy it. those shits just don't cut it anymore. no matter how hot, how good, or how nice you think you are -- you pay the bill, 'cause that's the deal.